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The Newsletter of the Colorado Herpetological Society

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Humor

You might be a herper if...

• you don't take vitamins but all your herps do.
• collards and dandelions are normal to you.
• you consider collard greens, dandelion greens, parsnips, mustard green, and escarole to be common vegetables.
• you've sold your soul to your produce manager in exchange for dandelion greens.
• you go through the store checkout with 18 different fruits and veggies (none of which you plan to eat).
• the person behind you at the checkout asks how you prepare the collard greens you're holding and you say that you haven't the slightest idea.
• . . . or you tell them, "Rinse thoroughly, chop into pieces no larger than the size of your head, and dust lightly with calcium and vitamin supplement."
• you have to explain to the lawncare company that you like dandelions and insects in your yard.
• you sex fruit flies when you're at a grocery store.
• you think finding bugs in your new house is a good thing.
• you've ever called a friend and offered them a mealworm colony.
• you've brought a cage of worms and beetles to work to give to said friend.
• you're lulled into a deep sleep by the melodic chirp of crickets, even though you live in a high rise.
• you name your rodents things like breakfast, lunch and dinner.
• you've ever microwave cooked a Cup O'Noodle and defrosted a mouse at the same time.
• people spend big bucks to get rid of rats & mice and you spend bigger bucks breeding them.
• your friends need to pull out at least three guinea pigs from the fridge to find the salami.
• someone in a pet store has asked you "Those are so cute. Do they make good pets?" and you reply, "Don't know -- never thought about it."
• you run towards insects to catch them, instead of running away from them.
• you ask your hubby to make salad for dinner and you stop him just in time to keep him from "dusting" the finely chopped veggies.
• you have to hunt through the rodents in your freezer to find YOUR food.
• you have to warn company before they get ice out of your freezer.
• when you hear cute and fuzzy in the same sentence all you can think about is snake food.
• you make your husband build a bigger cage for the iguanas BEFORE he can finish his new workshop.
• you've ever converted a broken television into a cage for those prized snakes.
• you walk into "Home Depot" and they ask what you are building a cage for THIS TIME.
• you see absolutely nothing wrong with having every piece of furniture in your bedroom topped with herp cages while your lamp is on the floor, and you use a lapdesk because the desk itself holds your turtle tank.
• redecorating the house means finding a way to squeeze in another aquarium.
• you get really excited when your child's ten gallon aquarium springs a leak.
• you judge the quality of a garage sale by the potential herp housing units for sale.
• you have 27 bowls marked "dog" or "kitty" and no dogs or cats.
• you buy carloads of bark mulch but care less about landscaping.
• your roommate doesn't get upset when she sees the occasional escaped mouse or gecko.
• you have to make sure that the closet door is closed when guests come over.
• you come home with that look in your eye and your spouse says "Uh oh -- what did you buy now?"
• you were horrified by the ending to the fairy tale when the cool toad turns into a crummy prince.
• . . . or the thought of even kissing something like that isn't abhorrent to you.
• your Herps get more UV exposure than you do.
• you've ever answered the phone with a lizard on your head.
• you tell people on the phone, "I can't talk now; I've got a lizard on my head."
• people overhearing your lizard discussions think you're talking about your date.
• you can spell "Philippe De Vosjoli" without looking at his books.
• you are often seen during your lunch break on your hands and knees looking under rocks during any days the pet shop isn't open.
• you tell yourself you don't look stupid while flipping rotted boards for snakes on the side of the road while people are watching you.
• you pretend that there is really a good reason why you look under boards along the side of the road.
• you drive around on recycling day looking for the biggest piles of newspaper to steal and feel guilty when people look out their windows and pity you.
• you have way more pillowcases than you have pillows.
• your girlfriend gets mad at you because you spend way too much time in the rubbermaid container section dreaming of ways to use them and you give her a 2 minute time limit to try on new clothes to buy.
• you want world peace, to save the environment, a cure for aids and a better way to kill mites.
• your neighbors watch your house closely during hatching season when they see people entering empty handed and leaving with small boxes, and then report you to the police as a drug dealer.
• your wrists are so criss-crossed with scratches that people think you're just really bad at trying to kill yourself.
• you find tongue flicking an attractive attribute in a person of the opposite sex.
• you ask the local drug store for a No-Pest "fly" Strip in January.

On the other hand, you might be a redneck herper if...

• you've ever opened a beer bottle with a tokay gecko.

Culled from the InterNet (rec.pets.herp) by Donald L. Blanchard